About a month ago, I started therapy. The road into therapy was one that consciously began about a year ago, when I set “Beginning therapy” as one of my New Year’s Resolutions. The only external effort I made regarding that goal prior to when I actually started, was in August this year, when I went back and deleted that item from the blog post detailing my New Year’s Resolutions.
When I decided I wanted to run a marathon back in 2007, I started running the day I decided. In contrast with nearly all of the other goals I have ever made for myself, starting therapy was one that I seemed prone to procrastinate.
There was a part of me that didn’t see the reason. Another part of me didn’t want anyone to know that I thought there might be a good reason for me to attend therapy. (Hence, my deleting that goal from my New Year’s Resolutions.)
In spite of the fact that I’ve been working in mental health for the past four years, I didn’t see, didn’t want to see the necessity in myself. While I’ve advocated for my classmates to attend, actually doing it myself, getting in the door, was challenging.
Even as I’m attending and feel like I’m getting a lot out of being in therapy, I still feel my body and mind ready to run. I’m a voluntary client, but the extent to which that is voluntary is not always felt in my calves, which flex throughout session; I’m ready to go.
While therapy has been valuable for me personally thus far, I think it’s also valuable for me professionally. I can’t imagine that I’m the only client in the world that wants to be there and at the same time, doesn’t feel right being there.
I’m tempted to end this post with something both positive and pithy, like “Even though I have felt mixed feelings about being in therapy, I trust that it will be useful,” but I don’t know that that’s the whole truth. That is the truth: I have felt mixed feelings about this process and I do trust that it will be useful.
There is another truth, though, in my flexing calves. I want to be there. I trust it is and will be useful. I also want to run. Maybe that’s the process.